--- Bodily Functions ---

1. 
   I can go back to my litter box to do my business. I can, I can, I can.
2. 
   I can wait until my human is finished cleaning my litter box to take a dump.
3. 
   I do not need to run to the top floor of my 5 story cage and pee on everyone below just because I wasn't let out when the door opened.
4. 
   I need to avoid leaving poop-surprises in the towel I'm being dried off in. This leads to another immediate bath.
5. 
   I need to lose weight. Pee on my fat tummy due to my not being able to lift it off the ground during my after-nap whiz isn't cute, even if I am.
6. 
   I shouldn't pretend to potty so dad will let me out of the litter box to play. We both know that I have to go, and there will be other days to poop elsewhere.
7. 
   I will do my business in the litter box before coming out to play.
8. 
   I will learn not to put my back feet on the edge of the litter box so when I poop it falls outside. (In our house we have come to call this little feat the "projectile poop". Rowdy the 9 month old sable has perfected it. She can lob one of those bad boys about 2 feet out from the cage if she decides to launch it from the second floor. She has managed to compute the proper trajectory to get the little surprise to land just about where I walk to turn the TV on or light a candle or play a CD. Her skills at this are improving daily and it appears she takes great pride in it. After she has completed her lob, she will always turn around and visually measure her accuracy and style. She apparently gives herself points for arc, bounce, distance and direction.)
9. 
   I will not back so far into the corner of my litter tray that my back legs (and every thing else) land outside of the tray, especially when my human is glaring at me.
10. 
    I will not back up and do my business on my humans foot just because he is playing computer games and doesn't notice that I need to be played with.
11. 
    I will not create 5 new bathrooms every other month just for the heck of it.
12. 
    I will not do my business in the corners of the house.
13. 
    I will not eat Play-doh and poop blue one day, pink the next, and green after that.
14. 
    I will not fart out of pleasure when I'm being fed grapes, especially when it's a guest who feeds me.
15. 
    I will not give my male human lots of kisses and then sneeze on his face, hand, leg, arm, head, and/or behind. Especially since I never EVER sneeze on my female human, and he thinks that is really gross and unfair.
16. 
    I will not invent new poop places every other day.
17. 
    I will not look my human in the eye and poop in the opposite corner of my potty area, especially when she just cleaned out my litter box.
18. 
    I will not pee on my human's arm while he is trying to bathe me. It will only prolong the experience.
19. 
    I will not pee on my human's bed sheets to get out of clipping my claws.
20. 
    I will not poop behind the couches where my human can't reach. I will use the many litter boxes that I already have and use once in a while. I know where they are!
21. 
    I will not poop in my bath water.
22. 
    I will not poop in the middle of the table during the "cup tip" contest. I get disqualified for doing that.
23. 
    I will not poop on the judge next time, even though I just couldn't hold it any longer. I might have gotten better than fourth place.
24. 
    I will not poop on the second floor of my cage with the hopes of it landing in the litter box on the first floor.
25. 
    I will not pretend that I am litter-trained, only to show my human that I, was only fooling her.
26. 
    I will not pretend to do my business because until I do I still do not get out of the cage.
27. 
    I will not relieve myself right next to my litterbox as a sign of displeasure toward my human.
28. 
    I will not run into a corner and poop every time the bathtub is turned on. Just because it has been turned on doesn't mean I'm getting a bath.
29. 
    I will not take a dump on my human's comic books.
30. 
    I will not try to blame the cat when I pass gas.
31. 
    I will not use my human's roommate's bedroom as my own private litterbox just because I can fit under the door.
32. 
    I will not use the bottom of the CD tower as a litter box.
33. 
    I will not use the hood of my human's hooded sweatshirt as a litter box just to see the expression of horror on her face when she puts it on her head.
34. 
    I will not use the litter box 100% of the time when I am supervised, then do my business next to every litter pan in the room when I am not supervised.
35. 
    I will not wait for the grapefruit smell from the cleaner to disappear, then return to old poop places.
36. 
    I will only poop on the inexpensive computer equipment.
37. 
    I will remember that the corner of the waterbed is not the litterbox, nor is the area under the pillow next to the headboard.
38. 
    I will stop putting my butt against the bars so I can crap out onto the carpet from the corner by my 2nd floor hammock because I am too lazy to go downstairs to the bathroom. (We just got a pair of albino ferrets and they love to put their butts against that corner and crap at night, leaving us presents for the morning.)
39. 
    If we *must* go potty in the hall, we will leave our human a path.
40. 
    Just because the new ferret is still learning how to use a litterbox doesn't mean I get to stop using it.
41. 
    Not every corner that doesn't smell like I've been there needs to.
42. 
    The baby bottle is for the baby, I do not need to run over and pee on my siblings because my human took it away from me.
43. 
    When I pass gas I will not lick the carpet where I was sitting when I passed the gas and then try to kiss my human.
44. 
    When I'm preparing to poop in a corner, and my human sees me and comes running towards me screaming "NOOO! Bad ferret!" I will not hurry to squat and poop in the corner before she can grab me. When she is running and screaming, it means I'm already in trouble and I should head for the nearest litterbox to avoid getting in MORE trouble.