--- Food / Water ---

1. 
   Although randomly standing up on my hind legs to solicit treats is very cute, my human doesn't buy it. She says I don't need more than 1 sweet per day.
2. 
   Books are not food.
3. 
   Cantaloupe is not a well-balanced food for me.
4. 
   Chocolate is a privilege, not a right. (In very very small occasional servings.)
5. 
   Even though I like cereal, I should wait until my human gives me some instead of attempting to pull the entire bowl out of her hands. She will give me some.
6. 
   Fish, especially the tropical fish in the aquarium, are not ferret food.
7. 
   Fishtank supplies are honestly inedible.
8. 
   I am a carnivore. I will eat the chicken my human gives me instead of only eating raisins and clementine oranges.
9. 
   I am a ferret. Ferrets do not need to eat apples. (My male sable was playing in the closet and as my husband comes out of the bedroom he notices him with a huge apple in his mouth taking it back to the cage. When we tried to catch him and get the apple back he started hissing at us and chewing on the apples. The apples had huge holes in them. All apples now have to be kept in sealed containers like the potatoes.)
10. 
    I do not need ice cream to survive. I should stop taking bites of my human's ice cream cones when she's not looking; it could make me sick.
11. 
    I do not need to crawl up on shoulders, trying to grab Cheerios as the human tries to eat breakfast.
12. 
    I do not need to eat fuzzy mice because my human gets very mad when my poop has fur in it.
13. 
    I do not need to eat something that makes me urinate bright green. It really scares my human.
14. 
    I do not need to have spaghetti every day!
15. 
    I do not need to hide under the couch to eat my treats - my human has never tried to take them back.
16. 
    I need to find a vet who'll prescribe "The Patch" and leave Grandpa's cigarettes alone.
17. 
    I realize that raisins do not constitute the complete diet of an obligate carnivore. Really, I do. Humans need raisins and cool whip.
18. 
    I will be patient when receiving raisins, my 2 brothers may want some too.
19. 
    I will eat the dog's food first because I know she does not like it and prefers cat food anyway.
20. 
    I will leave my human's chocolate alone, especially if she's eating it.
21. 
    I will not attempt to eat my human's fingers while being fed treats.
22. 
    I will not bring food from my cage to hide under my humans' bed (one of my hidey-holes).
23. 
    I will not carry bagels upstairs to hide under the bed.
24. 
    I will not climb the plant stand to get to the fruit in the basket on the counter, then proceed to throw every piece on the floor, bruising it, so that my brother can stash it under the bed for us to snack on later. Whole apples and peaches are not good diets for ferrets.
25. 
    I will not create a huge "ball" of food between the two sections of the sectional sofa.
26. 
    I will not dive into the glass of Pepsi up to my shoulders that my human is drinking.
27. 
    I will not drink my human's amaretto. It may taste great, but nobody needs a drunk ferret and it makes me really thirsty.
28. 
    I will not drink my human's beer.
29. 
    I will not drink out of the water bucket that is to be poured into the aquarium.
30. 
    I will not drink the cat's milk (by nursing from her). It gives me diarrhea.
31. 
    I will not eat foam ear plugs.
32. 
    I will not eat my human's favorite eraser.
33. 
    I will not eat my human's plants. They will make me sick.
34. 
    I will not eat the dropped peas under the dining room table.
35. 
    I will not eat the goldfish my human buys to feed to his Moray Eel.
36. 
    I will not eat the water balloons that the human kid lost. This causes me to poop in Technicolor, freaking out my adult human. (Misti pooped various colors of water balloons the first two weeks we had her, even after we searched the house after she pooped the first one.)
37. 
    I will not escape, root in my college human's closet and find a month-old hamburger. I will not play tug-of-war with the humans for it. (He found an old cheeseburger in my brother's closet, complete with the dried-out meat. When I tried to remove it, it took one of us holding him, and the other prying open his jaws!)
38. 
    I will not get into the medicine cabinet and see how many cotton balls I can eat.
39. 
    I will not get up on the table and drink water out of the fish tank that is being medicated and cause my human to call all the way to Germany where the product is made just to find out if I'll be all right.
40. 
    I will not hoard eighteen Twizzlers (chewy licorice candy sticks) under my human's roommates bed and scare her half to death by collapsing in her lap after eating four in a row causing me to need to go to the vet for emergency surgery.
41. 
    I will not lie perfectly flat on the floor and look pathetic so my human will give me treats.
42. 
    I will not line up a dozen potatoes even though winter is coming and I expect a famine.
43. 
    I will not refuse to go back to eating solid foods, even though it's fun to be fed out of a spoon every few hours.
44. 
    I will not splash half of the cat's water all over the floor.
45. 
    I will not stash pizza crusts in my human's suitcase to be found during a vacation.
46. 
    I will not steal my human's hot chocolate or take a bath in his cereal bowl while he is in the shower.
47. 
    I will not steal raisins out of my brothers mouth just because I'm done with mine and he eats his slow.
48. 
    I will not steal the human's Grandma's food that she left to go to the bathroom, making her think she was getting forgetful in her old age and had herself eaten it.
49. 
    I will not steal the toast. The toaster is not an automatic ferret feeder.
50. 
    I will not steal the ziplock bag of pork chops out of the refrigerator (this incited a ferret riot and ruined dinner).
51. 
    I will not stop eating just because I'm a little stressed.
52. 
    I will not store so much kibble in my human's slipper that it seems as if I am preparing for nuclear holocaust. There will always be plenty of kibble in my bowl.
53. 
    I will try not to eat all of the food and turn into blimpo ferret. I'm the youngest and should be the smallest, not the largest.
54. 
    I'm not supposed to have beer even if my human gives it to me. (Bad Daddy!)
55. 
    Jalapeno peppers are hot and will make me very sick as well as blister my mouth.
56. 
    My head will never fit into the neck of a beer bottle. I should really stop trying.
57. 
    Pop-tarts are tasty, but I do not need the whole box to myself. (I found three unopened packages in his favorite hidey spot, along with two half eaten pop-tarts!)
58. 
    Pounce Treats get hard when we hide them for later - must eat on the spot in front of my humans.
59. 
    Soap is not a food substance.
60. 
    Soap is not for eating. Nor are bath salts. And aromatherapy oils smell a lot better than they taste.
61. 
    The kitten food that the kittens have is the same as mine. When I'm let out, it is so I can play, not to eat all of the kitten's food.
62. 
    The packing material in a box is not ferret food.
63. 
    The rubber around swim goggles is not ferret food.
64. 
    There are ferrets in China (or wherever) that are starving. Just because by the time I get to the bottom of my food bowl the kibble is not as fresh as when I started is no reason to ignore it.
65. 
    Watermelon is good but should only be eaten in small amounts and never so much as to produce projectile diarrhea.
66. 
    We will not immediately run off with the ferret treats and hide them under the bed, in the very center, so the human can't reach them. We can't open them ourselves, and so won't get to enjoy them unless the human can open them for us.
67. 
    When I am given a little soda, I will not decide that I can't get enough, drink the soda till I pass out and regain consciousness, only to lick the sealed soda bottle for hours on end.
68. 
    When my human brings me the safe packing peanuts made from corn starch home to play in, I will not just sit in the box and try to eat as many as I can. They are for playing in, not a ferret food staple.