--- Human-Related ---

1. 
   Although my human is a pilot I will realize that my attempts to show him that I can fly are total failures. I will no longer launch myself at him from the bed as he may not be able to catch me in the landing zone (his hands).
2. 
   As a ferret entitled to explore all small places, I will make the most of open jeans and pant legs. This amuses the human's visitors. I will not, however, burrow headfirst down their shirts as it makes them squeal and they shriek if I use my nails to prevent being dragged out.
3. 
   Chomp and run on the human's ankles is not a good game.
4. 
   For some reason, pants, especially pajama or sweat pants (which make the very best tunnels) are off limits. This applies double for pants belonging to guests, and triple for guests who dislike ferrets.
5. 
   I can resist the temptation to bite my human's boyfriend's nose (even if it is kind of large).
6. 
   I do no need to crawl all over guests, from their heads to their toes, as they sit on the couch.
7. 
   I do not have to bite uncovered human toes; they are not tasty and the humans get upset.
8. 
   I do not need to liberate my owner's feet from the pernicious prison of socks by biting the toes.
9. 
   I must not bail-up visitors at the side gate while I am playing Houdini. This also includes chasing the cat and the dog while I am out.
10. 
    I must not play mountain goat and climb up my human's back while she is ironing.
11. 
    I will kick my humans butt the next time he gives me and my brother a USED dryer hose to play in and we sniff up all the lint and sneeze for 20 minutes. (I had to give the ferrets a good one, they're not the only ones who screw up.)
12. 
    I will never, ever again, attack the minister's foot when he came to see the Grandmother. He could have stepped on me and hurt me.
13. 
    I will not attack my human's bare legs just because he yelled at one of my brothers.
14. 
    I will not attack my human's toes while my sister is successfully clawing up her back to see what is under her shirt, just to see which end of her body she can get to first.
15. 
    I will not attack the meter reader when he has to look under my favorite hidey space to read the meter. This scares him and then he won't be back and my human has to read it instead and send it in.
16. 
    I will not attempt to lick to inside of my human's nose. It is gross.
17. 
    I will not bite ankles. No one likes that.
18. 
    I will not bite my human just because I do not get my way.
19. 
    I will not bite my human when giving her kisses.
20. 
    I will not bite my human when she reaches under the bed to "borrow" a pair of "my" socks.
21. 
    I will not bite my human's feet while she is walking.
22. 
    I will not bite my human's legs even thought they taste good.
23. 
    I will not bite my human's psychiatrist's testicles.
24. 
    I will not bite my human's toes just because s/he is playing with my siblings at the moment.
25. 
    I will not bite my male human's nipples. He's not the one who used to nurse me.
26. 
    I will not bite the backs of the knees of sleeping humans, even if it is the best part.
27. 
    I will not bite the hand that feeds me. Or the toes, or the butt, or any exposed bit of flesh.
28. 
    I will not bite the inside of my human's elbow, even if the skin there is nice and soft and warm.
29. 
    I will not bite the mini-human when he is watching cartoons, causing him to cry. Instead I will wait until the adults are out of room and don't see me do it.
30. 
    I will not chase guests in the house even if they have a proven track record of running and screaming.
31. 
    I will not chase my human around the shower nipping at his heels just because he squeals funny.
32. 
    I will not chase my humans all over the house.
33. 
    I will not climb my humans because no ferret should be six feet off the floor hanging on a tee shirt.
34. 
    I will not climb on my human's computer desk, and knock the zip drive, mouse, mouse pad and keyboard off onto the floor.
35. 
    I will not climb up my human's back and use her as a diving board when she is in the tub.
36. 
    I will not climb up my human's boss's dress and upon her screaming and standing up bite her calf, run under the chair and then come back out to bite her again. This is not a good first impression. (My boss is deathly afraid of her now and she has to stay in her cage when she comes over.)
37. 
    I will not climb up my human's leg and bite the contents of his underwear. It is painful for the human, and I may be seriously injured.
38. 
    I will not climb up my human's pant leg and decide to bite him.
39. 
    I will not climb up the Grandmas extra support hose when she come to visit and give her a heart attack.
40. 
    I will not come out of nowhere to investigate my male human's butt whenever he sits on the bed or on the floor. I do not need to appear out of thin air just to poke my head into the back of his pants, and he thinks it's very weird.
41. 
    I will not crawl into the sleeping bags of sleep-over guests so that I can lick their toes.
42. 
    I will not crawl through the cable outlet junction box into the neighbor's apartment to explore. This terrifies the neighbor and she asks my Mom to come get the unknown animal from her house. (She is from Romania and has never seen a ferret. I had just commented to them that they had not made the list because they were such good ferrets, when I got a knock at the door...)
43. 
    I will not curl up and fall dead asleep on my male human's chest, only to wake up suddenly and violently with an itchy fit. He sometimes has chest pains, and this does not help. Plus, my claws hurt him.
44. 
    I will not dance around and get cheeky at my human when he tells me off.
45. 
    I will not escape from my leash in the car while my human's father is driving in order to bite his toes and potentially cause an accident.
46. 
    I will not escape through the dryer vent to play with the local children whose sitter is convinced that I am the nicest skunk she has ever seen.
47. 
    I will not fight with the baby for her pacifiers and bottles, and even if I'm bad and I do steal a bottle, I will not stash it under a very hard to reach place so that my owners have to go find the nasty smell or move.
48. 
    I will not follow my human aimlessly until she trips over me while backing up, falls on a door, and renders herself infertile by breaking off the door knob with her stomach.
49. 
    I will not French-kiss my human, or at least next time I'll brush my teeth first. (yechh!)
50. 
    I will not get into a screaming match when my humans are "busy".
51. 
    I will not give my human mountains of kisses, just because I really want her to put me down, and I want her to think that I was telling you how much I will miss you when I run off!
52. 
    I will not grab my human's friend's shoe (while still on her foot) and try to drag her to my hidey-hole. No matter how nice she is, this is not a good way to make friends.
53. 
    I will not have a snooze on the human's chest, wake up suddenly and rake said chest, clean out the human's nose with kisses, back off 2 inches, gaze into human's eyes, open my mouth, give a good bellyburp like I've been on the lager/curry/kebab all night, then give human the dirtiest look for making me do that.
54. 
    I will not jump at the human's friend's leg, just because I want her to pick me up - especially when she's wearing shorts. She doesn't want to pick me up, and I will not chase her from room to room until my human grabs me to rescue her from me.
55. 
    I will not jump up and lick my human's face when he is sleeping on the couch, especially when he does not like the fact that I have free reign of the house.
56. 
    I will not look cute and innocent when guest come over only to lure them into a false sense of security so I may steal their keys, purses, stocking caps and scarves.
57. 
    I will not lunge out of my hiding place from behind and bite my human - HARD - when she uses the squeaky toy to call me. She makes a very loud noise and hops around howling when I do that. I understand she is only trying to find me because she's late for work.
58. 
    I will not nip my human male when my human female is in a bad mood. It might not always be his fault.(Smoke does this every time I get upset. He is a very sensitive ferret)
59. 
    I will not plant my cold, wet nose in my (female) human's back, armpit, or neck to make her squeal (even if it is lots of fun!)
60. 
    I will not play six rounds of "bite the ankle and be kicked out of bed" with the new human house-mate on her first night. (The house-mate had been told that I would give up after only three rounds.)
61. 
    I will not poke my head up over the edge of the bed while my humans are "preoccupied." Seeing my head poking up makes them laugh, and they cannot "concentrate" then.
62. 
    I will not pounce on my human's leg while she is waxing them. Ferrets are supposed to have hair, and I should not talk my brother into doing it after it took 20 minutes for my human to clean me up.
63. 
    I will not run off and plot revenge when my human reprimands me, and then pounce on her and bite HARD when she has forgotten all about it.
64. 
    I will not run up someone's pant leg, especially if said person is currently wearing said pants.
65. 
    I will not scale my human in an attempt to get chocolate /raisins /ferretone.
66. 
    I will not scare the neighbour's children. They think I'm cute and feel bad when I growl at them.
67. 
    I will not sneak up and play "Kujo" on my human's armpit while she is lying on the bed talking on the phone.
68. 
    I will not steal feminine hygiene products and drag them into the living room when my human has guests over.
69. 
    I will not stick my nose on my human's or her guest's butt when they sit in the recliner.
70. 
    I will not take advantage of my human's stupidity in leaving a small box next to a bigger box, with a carry cage on top of that, right beside the highest kitchen bench. I am a ground dwelling ferret.
71. 
    I will not tease my human who is late for school and trying to put me back in my cage by biting her toes and then running back under the couch and repeating the process until she gives up and fishes me out with a broomstick.
72. 
    I will not tickle the backs of my humans' knees with my whiskers while they're trying to sleep.
73. 
    I will not try to drag my human male under the bed. He is much too big to fit.
74. 
    I will not work furiously at removing the dryer hose from the vent so that I may escape. Furthermore, I will not then jump into a stranger's car, scaring her badly, and requiring her to take me to the police station, where I must remain for three days until they can figure out: a) what I am, and b) who I belong to.
75. 
    I will only look cute when visitors are around so that the visitors are not convinced my human is loony for putting up with me.
76. 
    I will stay out of my humans' armpits.
77. 
    I will stop diving and biting at my human's kneecaps then running away when she takes off her pants or gets out of the shower just to get her attention. She yells really loud and it scares me.
78. 
    I will try to refrain from licking my human directly on her eyeball.
79. 
    Licking the forehead of a human is not the way to wake them up, no matter if I was let out by a different human.
80. 
    My (female) human's mother is scared of me. It's not personal, but I shouldn't dook and do the war dance in front of her to make her jump up, stand on the couch and scream.
81. 
    My human's toes are not edible.
82. 
    Noses, ears and chins are not my enemies.
83. 
    We shall not kiss and kiss and kiss our human and then bite him on the chin.
84. 
    We shall not scratch at our human's socks to get her attention to get treats.
85. 
    Weaving in and out of my human's feet while they are walking may cause me to get stepped on and that hurts.
86. 
    When my human has guests over, I will not sneak on the back of the couch and climb in their hair.
87. 
    When my human lets me play 'twosies' (the 2 of us in the same piece of clothing), I will not bite her when I find the first bit of bare flesh.