--- Mess-Making ---

1. 
   Although my human should not have bought cheap knock off Teva's, I did not need to eat them and become deathly ill to prove this point.
2. 
   Boxes of puzzle pieces are not my playpens and I should not belly surf in them.
3. 
   Chinese food is a bad thing to hide under the couch, especially if no one finds it for a few days.
4. 
   Chocolate syrup and ketchup are not bath products and should not be rolled in.
5. 
   Christmas trees are not for climbing, Christmas ornaments especially the old ones are not toys, and I do not need to twinkle by getting wrapped up in the Christmas lights, I could get hurt. And the water is for the tree, not for me.
6. 
   Cups contain liquids. When I knock them over to take a peek, the liquids spill out. When liquids spill out I get wet and stain my human's floor. Drinking the liquid will not clean the floor but if carbonated it may give me the hiccups.
7. 
   Every glass on the table doesn't need to be tipped over to be enjoyed.
8. 
   Face-diving in the dog's water dish is not fun. Really.
9. 
   Feather pillows are for sleeping, not for looking for the animal in the case who made all the feathers...never did find it.
10. 
    Ferret poop does not make good décor. Nor does it make good potpourri.
11. 
    Glasses are to hold liquid, not to be tipped over.
12. 
    I am a white ferret and I do not need to color myself green with a marker I found under the couch.
13. 
    I do not need to dig all the water out of my water dish.
14. 
    I do not need to go through all of the hanging folders and "file" myself while "unfiling" all the papers.
15. 
    I do not need to go through my human's purse and take out everything including papers, keys and her cell phone, even thought it is fun to play with her stuff.
16. 
    I do not need to see what is in the bag of potting soil on the freshly swept patio. It is the same thing it was yesterday, and the day before.
17. 
    I do not need to spread my food all over the top floor of my house, just because, I do not like the new brand.
18. 
    I will not "table surf" by jumping from the coffee table to the end table, sliding as I land and knocking everything down in my path.
19. 
    I will not buddy up with my brother and knock off the bedside lamp, the alarm clock and the book my human reads. Someday the lamp will fall on me and it will hurt! Besides. the one ON TOP of the table is the one who always gets caught. (They do this: one stands on the floor and is the "lookout" while the other one pushes the things off. when something falls to the floor, the one on the floor starts pulling it under the bed - still plugged in!)"
20. 
    I will not burrow into the cat's clumping litter after I just had a bath (It means ANOTHER bath!)
21. 
    I will not claw open and empty my humans sock drawer to sleep inside. It would be much more comfortable with the socks in it, not on the floor.
22. 
    I will not climb in boxes full of packaging popcorn and scatter it everywhere.
23. 
    I will not climb into the bottom drawer of the nightstand from behind and try to abscond with my human's insulin pen's needles.
24. 
    I will not climb my cage using the back-against-the-wall trick to get to the top, then leap to the entertainment center and proceed to push everything off the top to watch it fall.
25. 
    I will not climb the furniture in a long, circuitous route to get to the fireplace and root in the ashes, whether or note there is a fire. This tends to get me an immediate bath and a scolding from my frantic and scared human. (Every time he escapes, the first place Midasu heads is the fireplace, turning a lovely white ferret into a sooty grey/black one.)
26. 
    I will not climb to the top of my cage, leap to the microwave cart and then to the baker's rack to knock over my human's plants.
27. 
    I will not climb up into the tropical plant and throw the dirt and stones all over the floor. There are no toys at the bottom.
28. 
    I will not climb up on the stereo table and knock off all the CD's just to make sure gravity is still working.
29. 
    I will not climb up the tall shelves next to my human's bed, then climb over onto the tall headboard, then go parasailing like a flying squirrel into a hanging plant; where I will not proceed to dig out every bit of dirt, scattering it all over the floor and freshly made bed.
30. 
    I will not climb up the underside of the ironing board in the closet to reach the top shelf so that I can push things off of it.
31. 
    I will not dig in the newspaper at the bottom of the bird cage to see what goodies the birds have dropped.
32. 
    I will not dig the wood pellet litter out of the box on the top level of my cage just to hear it pitter-patter down three levels and out onto the floor.
33. 
    I will not drag my human's sewing thread all over the house. It gets very tangled!
34. 
    I will not escape from my cage while my humans are at work, steal a six pack of toilet paper, drag it under the bed to rip it ALL to shreds, then drag four of my human's daughter's Barbies into my TP "nest" and fall asleep in it until my humans come home. I will also not look incredibly cute and innocent when my humans find me.
35. 
    I will not escape out of my cage and run across the table at Thanksgiving time leaving foot prints in the potatoes, and cream pies as well as knocking over glasses.
36. 
    I will not flip over my litter box.
37. 
    I will not go through the money on my human's desk, pushing over onto the floor the old quarters in order to get to the new ones. (But they are much shinier and prettier...)
38. 
    I will not hide in the dresser and poop on dad's clothes every time I can't figure my way out.
39. 
    I will not insist on digging all the litter out of my litterbox after my human has just cleaned my cage and refilled my litterbox.
40. 
    I will not investigate the kitchen cupboards and proceed to leave little cornflour footprints on the polished floor in the entrance hall.
41. 
    I will not jump from the couch to the coffee table. The table is very slippery under my feet and I end up sliding across, sending remote controls and books crashing to the floor. Sometimes I will jump too hard, and end up sliding across the table right off the other side.
42. 
    I will not knock a five pound bag of my food off a shelf and scatter its contents all over my human's bedroom.
43. 
    I will not knock every single pen, piece of paper, knick-knack etc off of the desk simply so that I can get to the rubber feet of my human's desk organizer.
44. 
    I will not knock my human's beer to the floor, call my gang over and have a beerfest to the point where we are all roaring drunk. I will not do this again as it causes my human to call the emergency vet for instructions.
45. 
    I will not knock my water dish into my pile of poop.
46. 
    I will not knock over a milkshake and roll it up and down the hallway.
47. 
    I will not knock over every plant I can get to. It makes a BIG mess and my human doesn't like trying to get black topsoil out of the light beige carpeting.
48. 
    I will not knock over glasses just because they have liquid in them.
49. 
    I will not knock over the water dish on the carpet and then dig at the carpet.
50. 
    I will not nest in the fiberglass insulation.
51. 
    I will not open the plastic container of clay and spread it from one end of the house to the other.
52. 
    I will not play archeologist and excavate in my human's ashtray (especially when she is doing her patchwork).
53. 
    I will not poke my head into my female human's glass of soda and then splutter and shake my head because the bubbles tickle my nose. She thinks this is funny, but I usually spray my male human and he thinks I do it on purpose.
54. 
    I will not pretend I want some catnip, and then when my human lets me see the container, I will not sneeze and shake my head, scattering half of the catnip across the floor.
55. 
    I will not pry the lid off the Tupperware container full of cat food, and then knock it down and spill it all over the floor.
56. 
    I will not pull live plants out of the aquarium and leave them dripping wet on the couch.
57. 
    I will not pull plants off of the table and onto my head, it may make me even more air headed.
58. 
    I will not push the food and water dish all over the kitchen floor, so that the water splashes out and leaves a wet trail for my human to clean up.
59. 
    I will not remove all the CDs from the bottom shelf of the CD cabinet.
60. 
    I will not remove all the foam insoles from my human's shoes.
61. 
    I will not remove all the tissue out of the box on the nightstand.
62. 
    I will not run through the ashtray and spread ash all over the coffee table.
63. 
    I will not scatter a pile of newly folded clean laundry.
64. 
    I will not shred the rolls of toilet paper so that my human has to hide them from Grandma.
65. 
    I will not snatch the phone cord in my teeth, and dart behind the couch with it, pulling the phone across the coffee table sweeping the ash-tray, half full beer bottles, and my human's Chinese food take-out containers onto the floor.
66. 
    I will not sneak out of my cage while my humans are on vacation, leave my little brother behind scared and upset that I have left, spend hours getting into things that I am not supposed to and then greet my ferret sitter at the door when she arrives to feed and play with me.
67. 
    I will not spill and topple every container in my cage that is not securely tied down.
68. 
    I will not spill my human's can of beer and then drink it. I am not of legal age to drink.
69. 
    I will not spill my human's glass of water at her bed's head, all around the three clock radios.
70. 
    I will not spill sesame oil on the rug as I drag the bottle back to my hidey hole - it has a very strong smell that never goes away.
71. 
    I will not steal a ball of yarn out of the knitting basket and run all around the house with it while it unravels and makes a really tangled mess. (You should have seen the mess. It looked just like a spider's web, two inches from the ground, and twisted around every piece of furniture.)
72. 
    I will not steal all of the skeins of yarn, drag them under the couch for nests and chatter at my human when she wants them back.
73. 
    I will not steal my human's quart size zip-lock bag full of aquarium rocks to spread all over the floor under the bed.
74. 
    I will not steal tubes of Oreos from the kitchen and hide them under the dresser.
75. 
    I will not tip my litterbox over after my human just cleaned my cage.
76. 
    I will not tip over glasses to find out what is inside.
77. 
    I will not tip the dog's water dish, forming a lake in the middle of the kitchen floor.
78. 
    I will not try to "help" my human by repotting her plants all over the living room floor.
79. 
    I will not try to see what is buried under my human's house plant them leave a trail of muddy footprints up to and across her keyboard.
80. 
    I will not use my nose as a shovel to push my water dish around the room. I make big puddles and my human might slip over and break her foot again.
81. 
    I will not wait until my human's back is turned, then spill her soda onto the bed so I can lick it up without the fizz bothering me.
82. 
    I will not weasel war dance in the freshly laid poop on the middle of the floor.
83. 
    I will refrain from stealing my human's son's mechanical pencils and hiding them in the basement.
84. 
    I will stop knocking my water bottle off the cage and then lapping whatever spilled in the fall up off the carpet.
85. 
    Macaroni does not need to be use as floor covering in the kitchen. It hurts the human's feet if they step on it at night.
86. 
    My human's shower gel tube is not something I need to puncture and then apply to myself.
87. 
    Pecans are not soccer balls and it takes time for the humans to collect them.
88. 
    Potato chips should not be stashed in the bed under the covers.
89. 
    Potatoes do not need to be planted under the center of the waterbed. Yes they will grow there and make a nice vine, but are very hard to get to and it takes a long time to take the bed apart, drain it and then put it back together and refill it. Especially in the winter, it also takes time to heat back up.
90. 
    There is no reason to dig all of the dirt out of the plants.
91. 
    We will not break down the plexiglass gate to our room, coax the cats into breaking down the one at the top of the stairs (the last defense against an all out fuzzie jail break), and re-arrange the rest of the house for our humans to appreciate when they come home from a two-day road trip.
92. 
    We will not cart a large amount of cat litter (clean, fortunately) into the closet and spread it neatly on the floor for whatever strange purpose.
93. 
    We will not escape from our enclosure (the Ferretorium) while our humans are gone for the weekend and spend two days digging up carpet, getting into the garbage and spreading sweet and sour sauce all over the floor, stealing Christmas ornaments and carrying them all the way up the stairs and hiding them in our ferret tent, chewing up red candles, eating all the left over Halloween candy and barfing it all over the house, chasing cats up the Christmas tree, getting into the fireplace and scattering ashes all over the living room, emptying out the bathroom cabinets, crawling around behind the dishwasher, sleeping in pots and pans, shredding a roll of paper towels, eating a can of peanuts and having peanut-diarrhea all over the dining room, eating oreos under the bed, pooping in all the corners, swimming in the cat's water bowl, taking a poop right in front of the door two minutes before the humans come home so they step in it and greeting my humans at the door with an evil grin. (We're still cleaning up after the ferrets' big adventure.)
94. 
    When I am molting it is not a good idea to sleep in my human's brand new black business suit - especially when he has a major presentation to do next day.