--- Misuse/Misappropriation of Items ---

1. 
   Even though my parents named me after a Kender, I should not act like one, being utterly fearless, brainless, and a kleptomaniac. (Kenders are something that gamers would recognize (I left out all of the stolen dice references, since other gamers have sent you plenty of those). It's a race from the Dragonlance book series. They stand at about three feet tall, are permanently happy, don't know what fear or sadness are, and regularly 'find' objects in their pockets that weren't there before.)
2. 
   I am not a ninja and can therefore not steal the bathroom plunger and run down the hallway to hide it without being caught, no matter how many times I try to do it quietly.
3. 
   I am not allowed to cook, therefore there is no need to steal the spatulas and stash them under the bed.
4. 
   I can not tell time, therefore there is no need for me to steal my human's alarm clock every time I sneak into the bedroom.
5. 
   I do not know how to drink from a straw; therefore I do not need to steal one every time I spot one.
6. 
   I do not know how to sew so I must not take my human's patchwork and quilting supplies or rearrange her patchwork blocks.
7. 
   I do not need to sleep on top of every pair of shoes. I will content myself with the shoes they give me to play with, and stop running off with all the others.
8. 
   I don't belong in the fireplace.
9. 
   I have no need for a Leatherman tool.
10. 
    I realize I am not a fisherman, and I hate water, so I have no need to steal my human's fishing line.
11. 
    I recognize that the dishwasher is not my secondary water bowl.
12. 
    I will no take the baby's bottle while she is drinking it even if it smells good.
13. 
    I will not assume that if I can see it, it is mine to take.
14. 
    I will not attempt to steal my mother's belly button ring, I know that it is shiny but it is attached to her stomach.
15. 
    I will not believe that the underwear drawer is the best and greatest place to sleep.
16. 
    I will not dig a hole inside my humans new love seat, use one end as a bed and the other as my new potty (so convenient).
17. 
    I will not drag the broom under the bed.
18. 
    I will not drag the video tapes off of the TV stand and hide them underneath the logs in the fireplace.
19. 
    I will not find any and all prescription bottles with pills and hide them in various places in the house.
20. 
    I will not hide my human's glasses in the center under the bed where they are impossible to reach. She is blinder than I am and can't see the TV without them.
21. 
    I will not hide my human's good spectacles in the dim, dark recesses of her wardrobe where she finally finds them 6 months later.
22. 
    I will not hide my human's swimming goggles.
23. 
    I will not hide my toys in the fish tank.
24. 
    I will not hide remote controls for the TV, VCR or stereo.
25. 
    I will not hide rubber-soled shoes once my human takes them off.
26. 
    I will not hide the brick of Havarti cheese that I stole from my human's grocery bags behind the clothes-washer so that she can have fun playing "What's that smell", a two weeks later.
27. 
    I will not hide the frozen rats my human buys to feed to his Albino Burmese Python, even if it is fun to watch my human locate them by scent several days later.
28. 
    I will not hide the only set of keys that my human has to her brand new Camaro.
29. 
    I will not hoard the dog food.
30. 
    I will not insist on stealing the rubber bath tub stopper and hiding it under the bed every time my human forgets to place it out of reach.
31. 
    I will not knock a box of candy on the floor and then hid every individual bar under the bed.
32. 
    I will not make off with my humans' cell phone and go under the bed (my favorite hidy hole).
33. 
    I will not pull a five-pound bunch of bananas off the table and hide them inside the couch no matter how much all three of us want them. They could land on my three-pound body and hurt. They are also hard to open and get squishy when I chew off the tops. (The six-month-old baby did this in the time it took me to put the milk away and return to the dining room. It took two hours to find the bananas.)
34. 
    I will not run off with my human's favourite, most comfortable pair of shoes the split second that she takes them off her feet.
35. 
    I will not sleep in my clean litter pan.
36. 
    I will not start a lighter collection under the couch.
37. 
    I will not start a pizza collection under the couch.
38. 
    I will not stash Cheerios in my human's pillowcase.
39. 
    I will not stash kitchen knives.
40. 
    I will not stash the dead mouse or the chicken wing in my ferret-tube.
41. 
    I will not steal all of my humans' stuffed animals.
42. 
    I will not steal all the candy out of the Easter baskets and hide it behind the TV set.
43. 
    I will not steal and stash under a 300 pound office desk, the pacifier and stuffed Ernie belonging to my human's neice. It causes the 2 year old to complete with me for "loudest most obnoxious noise".
44. 
    I will not steal bananas and hide them under the couch. They do not taste good rotten.
45. 
    I will not steal checks off the table and hide them when my human needs to cash them.
46. 
    I will not steal dollar bills and car keys from pants lying on the floor.
47. 
    I will not steal items out of guest's travel bags, like toothbrushes, razors, and eyeglass cases.
48. 
    I will not steal my human's bag of crickets. They are for the lizards, not me.
49. 
    I will not steal my humans' books they are reading or a pack of their cigarettes (sometimes this is the only thing that keeps my humans sane and who needs crazy humans? LOL) or the last lighter in the house (the lighter thing drove my humans crazy because they used it to light the stove as well as their cigarettes) to stash away in my hidey-hole.
50. 
    I will not steal my human's bra to store food in even though the cups work rather well. (My female Jasmin will go to great lengths for a bra, I even had to hang them from the ceiling fan until I could ferret proof the dresser! Jasmin would sit on the bed looking up and hope one would fall.)
51. 
    I will not steal my human's cough drops even though they are delicious. She gets upset when she finds them stuck to the carpet.
52. 
    I will not steal my human's graphing calculator that she placed on top of a table that I presumably cannot climb onto.
53. 
    I will not steal my human's porcelain dolls and drag them away under the rocking chair, just so I can rip the hair off and run away and hide it. Porcelain dolls are not pretty without hair, and I have enough of my own.
54. 
    I will not steal my humans watch and make her listen for it to beep on the hour for 2 weeks until she finds it.
55. 
    I will not steal packets of two minute noodles and stash them in my human's bedroom.
56. 
    I will not steal samples from the Tupperware lady. If I do she won't come back. I will not drag off Mommy's umbrella to my hidey-hole. I don't get caught in the rain so I don't need it.
57. 
    I will not steal the "Bad-Ferret-water-pistol".
58. 
    I will not steal the entire pizza the roommate just ordered and set on the dining room table while she is in the kitchen getting plates and napkins for her and her daughter. (In the span of 45 seconds, Stilcho had made off with a large pizza from the dining room table, leaving the box on the table, dragged it down the stairs to the basement laundry room, and stashed it/buried it under a pile of laundry. The fact that he was able to do this and not leave a trail of pieces (the pizza stayed intact) amazes me to this day. The roommate did not hear anything, nor did we find it for another week. The roommate, after looking for the pizza for half an hour, was forced to order another one.)
59. 
    I will not steal the bathtub plug.
60. 
    I will not steal the entire bag of 100 latex gloves my humans keep under the sink, mouthful at a time and hide them in various places all over the house.
61. 
    I will not steal the kitchen sink plug and put it in my hidey-hole.
62. 
    I will not steal the KY jelly.
63. 
    I will not steal the same pack of windshield wiper blades six times in two minutes.
64. 
    I will not take all of the baby's teething toys. I already have all my teeth and do not need to chew on them.
65. 
    I will not take cigarettes from the packet because my human says that I am too young to smoke.
66. 
    I will not take important court papers out of my human's purse and hide them in my hidey-hole. It makes her frantic and causes her to dig obsessively in her purse emptying the contents several times, which I'd rather do myself.
67. 
    I will not take that baby's pacifier (even if my name is baby). It doesn't fit my mouth.
68. 
    I will not try to put on my human's lotion.
69. 
    I will not try to steal every insole of every shoe of every human in the house.
70. 
    I will not try to steal my human's can of soda and hide it under the couch every time she turns her head.
71. 
    I will not try to steal my human's socks while she is still wearing them.
72. 
    I will stop stealing my human's wrist braces. She needs them. I don't.
73. 
    I will stop trying to steal the enormous bags of potato chips that the humans bring home.
74. 
    I will wait until the soda bottle is empty before I steal it.
75. 
    I won't get my male human blamed any more for there never being a lighter within reach when needed. I will hand over my entire stash.
76. 
    I won't steal prophylactics. I won't bite holes in prophylactics, and I'm lucky I didn't get a massive blockage from consuming a prophylactic.
77. 
    Just because the full trash bag is too heavy for me to steal, I do not have to convince all my brothers and sisters to help me put it under the couch.
78. 
    My brother's head is not a toy.
79. 
    My human's bras aren't mine and I should tell her they're all under the bed in a big fluffy nest - if I remember next time I see her.
80. 
    My humans diamond necklace that was her grandmothers is not a toy and should not be stashed.
81. 
    My human's PS2 controller isn't mine, even if it is on the ground.
82. 
    No matter how hard I try, I cannot stash a five pound bag of cat food behind the fridge.
83. 
    No matter how much I think I need my human's leather purse, she assures me that I don't.
84. 
    On a side note, I did have one ferret that during the last year of his life, turned into the Anti-Ferret, and started returning items that the other two had stolen. The first time he did this was when my wife returned from shopping and she had left a bag with a box of Kleenex sitting on the living room floor, our three kids (Chenya, Moraine, and Stilcho) were playing in the bag and had removed the box of Kleenex and the two sisters were trying to get into it. Stilcho came over, sniffed the box for a few seconds, then wandered off to god knows were, and returned with a pocket pack of Kleenex that the wife brought home as a souvenir from London (all the Kleenex were printed with the county flag...go figure) and set it on top of the now forgotten box of Kleenex. After that, about once a week he would come out of nowhere with another item that had been swiped and stashed.
85. 
    Socks are not to be stolen off the feet and then hidden.
86. 
    Swim suits, swim caps, and goggles are not toys. My human needs them to practice with the swim team every day. My human also gets mad at me when I chew holes in her swim cap.
87. 
    The car keys are not a toy and should not be stashed.
88. 
    The carpet isn't toilet paper.
89. 
    The Christmas tree skirt is not to be tunneled under.
90. 
    The computer keyboard is not a bed.
91. 
    The condensation on the toilet tank is not for me to use as a water fountain.
92. 
    The vacuum does not belong under the couch. I will stop trying to put it there. (Two pound ferret. Twenty pound vacuum. She still manages to drag it from the study into the living room and pull the tip of it under the couch.).
93. 
    We will not hide in the wadding that my human has bought for the new patchwork quilt that she is making. We will not tear holes in it to make a nice comfy bed.
94. 
    When my human goes to fix herself a cup of coffee, I will not steal her VISA card and hide it in the bathtub. This makes her think she is losing her mind because she just took it out of her purse to call in an order and she laid it down right on the couch.