--- Not All There ---

1. 
   After having flea poof put me, I will not jump a foot in the air dancing about wildly on her bed, scaring her into thinking I'm going to fall off. (Flea poof is a foamy flea medication that I lathered into his fur every couple of days.)
2. 
   After my human has pulled off the old lining on the bottom of the loveseat, replaced it with plywood, and sewn up all the holes I made into the upholstery (causing some bleeding fingers, let me tell you), I will not wait for 2 heavy humans to sit on it, creating just a tiny crack of room for me to squeeze under their butts into the innards of the couch. I will not then be lost for 24 hours in there, causing my frantic humans to have to pry off the new plywood bottom with a hammer and rescue my dehydrated self.
3. 
   As pretty as it might look, and even though the cat does it too (which she shouldn't), I will try to resist my urges to play with the fire in the fireplace.
4. 
   Chasing my tail when my human puts tape on it is fun at first, but after a while I will get dizzy.
5. 
   Chewing on my bowl out of frustration for being put in my cage for time out doesn't evoke sympathy - just sore teeth.
6. 
   Fire is hot no matter how many times I inspect it just to make sure it hasn't gone cold.
7. 
   I can go into the deep end of the bathtub without drowning. My sister isn't scared of it and she's smaller than me.
8. 
   I cannot fly, no matter how many times I try. And eventually the humans might not manage to catch me.
9. 
   I do not need to look in all the vases. I get stuck and Mom has a heart attack and has to take me to the vet to have them removed or break the vase.
10. 
    I do not need to stick my nose in between the clippers and my nails when they are being trimmed. I could end up with a lousy nose job.
11. 
    I must stay out of the trash compactor, especially when the young human has an obsession with closing it. Some day mom will not be around to remind him to check before turning it on, which could lead to me being a very thin ferret indeed.
12. 
    I need to really get a handle on my urge to sniff my sister's hind quarters when she's tail-up in the litter box.
13. 
    I really shouldn't practice belly surfing off my human's bed because the floor is a very hard place to land.
14. 
    I shouldn't put all twelve of my TP tubes in my hammock. I end up with no place to sleep.
15. 
    I will be careful while doing the war dance so as not to crack my head on a hard object and knock myself out.
16. 
    I will look before I leap backwards.
17. 
    I will never again eat candles.
18. 
    I will not attack little kids clothes.
19. 
    I will not attack the vacuum cleaner repeatedly until my paws have been run over and even then get up and attack with renewed vigor.
20. 
    I will not attempt to climb down the side of my cage head first. I will fall and land on my head.
21. 
    I will not build a nest of dirty clothes in the dryer's motor cavity and disappear into it overnight, nearly giving my humans heart failure.
22. 
    I will not burn my whiskers in a candle flame--twice.
23. 
    I will not chew my human's rubber spatulas.
24. 
    I will not chew off, and then eat, the rubber "feet" on the computer tower. They tend to get stuck in my intestines and cost a lot for my human to have removed.
25. 
    I will not chew on cords. There is a more traditional way to get a perm.
26. 
    I will not climb into my human's shoe, get stuck, and return to do the same thing 5 times in a row.
27. 
    I will not climb the highest point in the room that I can get to and leap off because I am not a Kamikaze Ferret or a bird.
28. 
    I will not crawl into the intake of the furnace. My human should not have to take the whole vent system apart, just to find out that I am in the bottom of the furnace tearing up the furnace filter. Tearing up a fiberglass furnace filter can cause irritation to the skin & eyes.
29. 
    I will not dash up the couch and onto the railing of the loft. This causes many tipped plates of food, and spilled drinks as my humans jump in panic to get me before I fall off the other side.
30. 
    I will not disappear down long, dark holes and reappear in furnaces.
31. 
    I will not drink the soapy water that collects in the shower drain.
32. 
    I will not escape my cage while being my human is out and her mother comes over and leaves the balcony door open. I don't want to fall off the balcony and land on the parkade 6 stories down and scare all the nice people in the apartment complex. (It hurts and it gives my human a heart attack when she finds out where I am. A nice lady who smelled like ferrets too picked me up and took me to the vet emergency clinic.)
33. 
    I will not find a way to remove the grate covering the air-conditioning vent and crawl into it only for my humans to hear me digging frantically and FREAK themselves out trying to rescue me.
34. 
    I will not get a wad of duct tape stuck on my tail and have my brother use it for a play toy.
35. 
    I will not get behind the oven and fall asleep. It's dirty and dangerous, and my female human is afraid the male human will break the gas pipe when he has to lug the oven away from the wall to get me out.
36. 
    I will not get my foot caught in a table leg and scream my brains out while my human is on the phone talking to the phone company.
37. 
    I will not get under my human while she is sitting down.
38. 
    I will not go into an enraged frenzy and attack my human every time the dog toy squeaks! (Parents and brother find it hilarious.)
39. 
    I will not jump into a trash can full of ice water to try to get to the shiny beer cans cooling at the bottom.
40. 
    I will not jump off the back of the couch to try to get in a box that's too far away. The floor is very hard and I could get hurt.
41. 
    I will not jump on the couch/love seat and try to dig my way in the secret world inside the couch/loveseat.
42. 
    I will not lose it once or twice a day and race through the house acting like my hiney is on fire.
43. 
    I will not meander over to Mommy's feet to give them kisses after she has sprayed mosquito repellant on them. It might cause me to die (or at least get sick).
44. 
    I will not pass gas and then jump and try to see where the sound and smell came from.
45. 
    I will not put my nose in the end of the vacuum cleaner to see how much fun the suction is. My human has a heart attack thinking I'll get sucked up in the cleaner.
46. 
    I will not scale my cage and then look pitiful until my human saves me.
47. 
    I will not scratch randomly at the middle of the carpet for seemingly no reason at all. This makes me look like I am really not all there.
48. 
    I will not sneak into the freezer and build a nest in the bag of coffee beans (we found her after wondering why a cascade of beans feel out of the upright freezer when we opened it).
49. 
    I will not sniff a burning candle, get a burnt nose and then go back to sniff it again.
50. 
    I will not strangle myself on my leash, trying to run amok when I KNOW that I am leashed to the table. The table is not going to give way, unlike my neck.
51. 
    I will not take a flying leap off the second floor balcony (especially when my human is standing directly underneath). I will not then try to chew off the cast on my leg put on because of the fall.
52. 
    I will not try to attack the goldfish through the aquarium glass even if he is staring at me. I will also not then scream giving everyone around me a heart attack and then try to poop on the aquarium glass.
53. 
    I will not try to crawl into the furnace by lifting up the vent from the floor and going down the tubing. My human doesn't like to have to pay a furnace man to come and get me out.
54. 
    I will not try to use my head as a doorstop.
55. 
    I will not war dance off the bed when first introduced to my human's mother. Although my mother seemed to enjoy the entertainment, I was afraid of him hurting himself. Thank God my bed is low to the ground.)
56. 
    I will stop getting so excited that I war dance my head right into the side of coffee table.
57. 
    I will try to remember my short legs do not allow me to jump high enough to get into the baby's swing and instead I bang my head on the underside of it.
58. 
    If I bury my nose in a dust pile I'm going to sneeze for a while. I don't need to go back and do it again once the sneezing ceases.
59. 
    Just because I can burn off the left side of the whiskers with a candle does not mean I must burn off the right side while checking the other candle.
60. 
    Just because the doors to the two superfun playlands (storage rooms- not fun for the humans trying to find the ferret) are high enough for me to sneak under, it does not mean that a giant stack of boxes and knickknacks and other goodies lies behind every white door and if I can't get under it the first time, it's not going to happen. Doors do not grow.
61. 
    No matter how yummy it smells, I should not try to climb inside the oven when my human opens the door, checking the doneness of whatever goody is inside. The oven is hot and will burn me.
62. 
    Not every two-inch hole goes somewhere fun.
63. 
    Since I have bad balance, I should stay away from high places. If want to get down, I should remember the way I came up. I will not whine when my human says I told you so after I miss the jump from the couch to the table.
64. 
    The space inside the couch between the cloth stapled to the bottom and the wood frame is not a hidey-hole.
65. 
    Water is a liquid. I will not try to grab a mouthful of water to eat in my hidey-hole. Also, I cannot ingest water through my paws.
66. 
    When doing my war dance on the bed, I will watch for the ledge before I fall on my butt.
67. 
    When I wig out and do the war dance, I won't bonk my head on the legs of the coffee table.
68. 
    When my human is cooking I do not need to climb up the counter drawers and singe my whiskers on the stove. Again she gets red and talks about the Sun River Bridge, got to be a vacation spot, wonder when we are going?