--- Other Critters ---
Cats are not chew toys, and kittens do not need to be hidden under the couch.
Cats don't like having their butts sniffed.
Cat's tails are not toys.
Crawling under the cats and lifting them off their feet is not fun for the cats.
Every time a new ferret arrives, it is not necessary to drag him or her off to my hiding place.
Goldfish do not need to be chased and played with in there bowl.
Grabbing the male Siamese by his privates until he screams is not good even tough he can scream quite loud and high. I end up in time out.
I am not a vampire. I will not jump onto my sister's back and bite her on the neck.
I cannot "take on" a human/dog/cat no matter how persistent I am. They are much bigger than I am.
I do need to slap the cat in the face with the piece of sliced ham before eating it.
I do not need to clean the cat's ears. She does it herself, and she is scared of me.
I do not need to follow the cats around attempting to bite off their balls, as the vet has already removed them. (Gergie will follow behind my cats and leap and chomp at their butts; it looks like she is attempting to castrate them!)
I do not need to lay on top of a kits head just because he is small making him struggle to get out from under me.
I do not need to suck on my sister's ear so hard that it turns purple.
I may be a connoisseur of fine food, but the reef fish are not for sushi.
I must not torment my human's dog in the middle of the night by letting myself out of my cage to go for a walk. My human has to get up and rescue that wimpy Alaskan Malamute because she is crying.
I shouldn't do the "hind-lick" maneuver on my brother or sister unless they're choking...or pretending to.
I will leave the cat's and dog's food and water for them; I can drink and eat my own.
I will make sure my brother is at least vaguely awake before pouncing on him.
I will never again chase a live squeaking mouse through a swanky cocktail party my human caregivers are throwing for their boss and his wife on the occasion of their 25th Wedding Anniversary." (This is the Readers' Digest Condensed Version.)
I WILL NOT aggravate the dachshund into chasing me and then have my brother ambush him from behind the door. Two against one aren't fair odds.
I will not ambush the cat as he is walking by, for one of these days he might really nail me and my human say this is not W.W.F.
I will not attack the cat in an attempt to castrate him; that is a vet's job and I am not a vet.
I will not attack the net with a dead fish in it. He was medicated and probably not good for me.
I will not attempt to attack my sister when she is in the Ferret Freeway.
I will not attempt to drag the long-haired cat who is visiting for a day, even if furry toys are my favourite.
I will not attempt to viciously tear out the throat of the new ferrets my humans got to keep me company. Furthermore, I will not approach their cage and give them kisses through the bars (so that my female human thinks I'm going to be nice and takes one of them out to try to introduce us) only to lash out at her, miss, and end up tearing Mom's finger open. My name is Dodger, not Jack The Ripper.
I will not be cute and play decoy while my siblings escape to create havoc elsewhere.
I will not bite and latch onto the Golden Retriever's ankle, even if she is lying down. If I do bite her ankles, I will not hang on when my human tries to pick me up. I will not chew on her ankles, either.
I will not bite the cat on the chin when he is sleeping.
I will not bite the dog on the peepee because he screams and flings me into the entertainment unit.
I will not bite the kitten's tail when she's sleeping, chase her down the stairs causing her to run full speed into the plexiglass gate at the bottom in order to complete my elaborate scheme of breaking down the gate, allowing us more extensive exploration of my humans' cage.
I will not chase and bite the dog until he jumps through the screened in porch.
I will not chase and nip at the cat's heels.
I will not chase the cat every time I see it.
I will not chase the cats through the house just to go back and eat all their food.
I will not chase the new kitten down the stairs and into (hard) the plexiglass gate at the bottom meant to keep us in.
I will not climb the cats when they are asleep and then attempt to ride them by biting their scruff. I'm not a stunt ferret and could get hurt when the cats toss me off in a frantic rodeo. (This was done by a 12-year-old rescue ferret!)
I will not climb the dog.
I will not cling to the leg of the dog as this behavior causes him to fall down, get up, fall down, get up, fall down...
I will not drag my brother around by the scruff of his neck. This is not fun, even though I think it is.
I will not drag my brother, who is bigger than me, by the scruff of the neck behind the couch and put him in my hidey hole.
I will not eat the cockatiels.
I will not grab my neighbor's sleeping cat by the scruff of the neck, drag it across the porch and drop it several feet off the side of the porch so I can watch it fall. This is apparently a very upsetting way to be awakened. (It was a small cat and a large, determined male ferret. It was also about 20 years ago.)
I will not have a stare-down with the cat when first introduced, only to lunge madly after her tail within seconds of her blinking.
I will not hide under the old Border Collie's blanket, poke her with my nose and hide. She does not like to play "torpedo" and one of these days she might bite me.
I will not jump on the bunny's back just to see how high he can really jump.
I will not leap off the arm of the chair and ambush the cat.
I will not make friends with the dog just so I can bite her muzzle and be carried around the house hanging from her face as she tries to get a human to rescue her.
I will not pretend to be best friends with the cat and then all of a sudden decide to latch onto the side of my "friend's" face, just to get a free ride around the yard.
I will not provoke the kitten to chase me and try to follow me into spaces he won't fit. He doesn't like when he smacks his head trying to fit into these spaces.
I will not ride the turtle and bite his head and feet when he tries to get away.
I will not round up my 6 sisters and gang up on the cat when he comes in to play with us.
I will not sleep in with the cockatoo, this is his cage and I'm not allowed to go in to it and hiss and growl when he wishes to come back in.
I will not sneak up on the Pit Bull dog and spray doodies in her face because she barked at me.
I will not steal the newborn kittens and put them in my hidey-hole. They are too small to play, with, and mama cat gets VERY angry at me.
I will not straddle the kitty and go flying down the hallway hanging onto his ear.
I will not take advantage of the fact that the dog is muzzled/friendly by chewing on her or trying to burrow into her eyes or ears.
I will not teach the cat how to get into the couch. She couldn't figure out how to get back out and was meowing for hours until the humans got back home.
I will not teach the older, relatively potty-trained ferrets that there are other worlds to "conquer."
I will not tease the cat so much that he growls at me when I come near him. He is bigger than me and I could get hurt.
I will not tease the dog by running under a couch at one end and exiting at the other, leaving the dog waiting for me at the point of entry.
I will not tease the dog through the bottom crack of the door. He may be dumber, but he is bigger.
I will not torment the cat even if it is really fun and he's a ditz.
I will not torture the cats.
I will not torture the local wildlife while I am out side, for no matter how large I think I am on the inside, the cows that live in the pasture will still step on me.
I will not try to be nursed by the cat. She is not my mother.
I will not try to bite off the dog's nose. She is not a stuffed toy. (This is a true story that happened when the 90 pound dog was a six pound puppy and the ferrets thought she was a stuffed animal.)
I will not try to drag grandma's 140lb Rottweiler under the couch. He will not fit no matter how hard I try or which ear I grab.
I will not try to drag the turtle by the rear foot into my hidey hole.
I will not try to help the dog clean his ears (he has BIG ears). This is painful for him as my little claws get caught in his hair and my human starts to scream when she see him coming down the hall with a ferret attached to his head.
I will not try to suckle on the lactating cat.
I will not urge my even fatter little brother to go through places I know he'll get stuck in.
I will not war dance on top of the couch, fall on the sleeping cat and attack him as if it were his fault.
I will share my hammock with my brothers, it is for all of us, I'm not a princess.
I will sit still while my sister is trying to clean my ears. She is just trying to help.
I will stop trying to shove the new kitten under the couch by the ear, and I will stop jumping on top of the Rottweiler puppy and riding him like a rodeo bull.
It is an honor to be allowed free reign of the house during the day. I will not take advantage of this honor by using it to try and break into the guinea pig's cage.
Just because the rabbit hates me doesn't mean I have to jump on top of it's cage and harrass it through the bars during my play time.
My human's horses are bigger then me, I do not need to try and chase them, and when I am held for them to see me I should not bite them on the nose.
My human's mice are her pets and are not my mid-afternoon snack.
My nose is not glued to my sister's neck. I will not follow her around like this for half an hour just to annoy her and cause my human to wonder about my sanity.
My sister's stitches should be removed by the vet, not me.
Not every strange dog wants to be my friend. Nipping at the nose of a 120-pound Rottweiler is probably a bad idea, at least on the first date.
The cat likes his ears licked, not bit.
The dachshund is not an obese ferret and I should avoid nipping his tail, thus saving me the trouble of have to flee for my life.
The dog's bed is not my personal trampoline. The dog gets upset when I ricochet off her head.
The fish do not want me in their tank with them.
The fish don't like it when I try to climb into the aquarium with them.
The guinea pig is not a chew toy.
The new kitten is not ferret food and should not be stashed.
The old cat doesn't like to play the same way I do. Getting batted on the head repeatedly and chased under the entertainment center is a natural expression of that fact.
The seventy-five pound dog may be my best friend but she will not find me intimidating no matter how tough I try to act when we play. And though the big dog is my friend, she is not a ride. I must not ride the dog like a horse (and her ears are not a jungle gym to swing from, even if she lets me I am not a fashion accessory).
The snowflake Moray Eel is not friendly. He does not want to play with me, even though his gaping mouth and teeth seem to be smiling at me.
Though it may look like fun, I will not try to 'buck' the dog like a cowboy, we both get dizzy and bump our empty heads.
We will not bang on the weasel watcher gate incessantly causing the dog to become agitated and to pee on himself.
We will not take over the drawer of the two ferrets staying with us for three weeks. It is their chest of drawers, and they sleep in it. We have three perfectly good sleeping boxes of our own.
When a new ferret comes I do not need to grab it and drag it off to eat later.
When my sister screeches, I should leave her alone. When my fat little brother screeches, even though he's acting like a sissy, I shouldn't bite his head.
When we have pet company I need to share my toys instead of getting aggressive with them if they come near them.
While there are feathers in the pillows the feathers on the bird at Grandmother's need to stay on the bird.
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